by KC Kelly, Ph.D., LMHC

Questions and Answers by DOCintheBiz.

Question: I received an email from a woman who seems to be in an abusive relationship. She is very torn as she says she is in love with him, however, he can tend to be very harsh, angry, controlling and makes her cry way too often by putting her down or having anger outbursts directed at her. At times, she fears him. I have decided not to share the letter for confidentiality reasons; however, I have shared my response to her.

Answer: I would never tell you what to do. I can’t do that as no one has the answers but you. What I can share with you are some facts I have learned throughout my studies and through experiences working with many different people.

Personality traits don’t change. Controlling behavior does not stop. Abusive patterns are just that; patterns. They do not stop. You’ve seen it before…movies, wherever. Significant others may insult, demean, put down, curse, become belligerent, etc. and often this kind of behavior can become physical. Then, when the dust settles, they may cry, beg, plead, etc telling their partner that it will never happen again. But it does, almost every time.

Personality traits are embedded deep within a person’s genetic makeup. I know you say you want to try to understand him and the kind of behavior that he demonstrates; however, even the experts debate why people abuse. They debate nature vs. nurture as a child, but that’s not even the point here. The point is that he is the person that he is now as an adult, no matter how he got there, and you cannot change that. You shouldn’t have to change it.

The victim of the abusive behavior almost always feels as though they are at fault after they think about it for a while. Just as you said, you rethink the situation and end up blaming yourself. No, you’re not perfect, but you do not EVER deserve the treatment he gives you when he’s angry. There are many ways of fighting. His way is NOT an acceptable way. There are many ways to tell someone that you don’t care for something they are doing, saying, wearing, etc, but by overtly putting them down or yelling/cursing at them is NOT right.

I believe you when you say that your boyfriend can be a good guy, or you would not have fallen for him in the first place. I’m also sure that he does not mean to hurt you, but it’s just his way. He doesn’t know any differently. What he does seem to know; however, is exactly how to control you. He knows that when he cries or begs, it breaks your heart and you respond according to his plan. Again a pattern. You have to decide whether this is the kind of life you want for yourself. Whether or not you want to walk on egg shells, as they say, wondering how he will treat you each day.

The man who truly loves you wipes your tears away, he does not cause them.

All my best,
Dr. KC
www.DOCintheBiz.com

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