Comments on: Abusive Relationships: Should I Stay or Should I Go? http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/ THINK WELL to FEEL WELL...It's All About Being Emotionally Healthy! Fri, 18 May 2012 06:46:10 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: Lyn http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-139515 Lyn Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:19:18 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-139515 I have been an in abusive marriage realtionship for about 11 years but thankfully it physical abuse has stopped about four years ago. I have two children. In trying to deal with it - the abuse I have thrown myself into everything from almost completing my masters to being the best mom I can to my kids, and I have done well so far. When one looks at me they see that this is an achieved woman who can handle almost everything that can be thrown at her. It may seem to other readers that I have no problem but the truth it I'm broken inside and everytime I think of my situation when alone I cry without control. My husband would bring his upbringing for the reason he lacked slef control and God knows he has tried his best in turing things around. However we are very different and right now I just want to pack up and kids and leave. He sees this as me being ungrateful for the changes he has made but in my view it should not have happened in the first place. For some reason he cannot take into consideration that I have been shattered and broken into millions of pieces emotionally. A simple argument makes me remember all the blows and nasty things he has said to me. I need your advice on if I need time away from him to be healed since I think he may be a constant reminder of our negative past or do I leave totally bcause I still feel like a victim many times of psychological and emotional abuse. I have been an in abusive marriage realtionship for about 11 years but thankfully it physical abuse has stopped about four years ago. I have two children.

In trying to deal with it - the abuse I have thrown myself into everything from almost completing my masters to being the best mom I can to my kids, and I have done well so far.

When one looks at me they see that this is an achieved woman who can handle almost everything that can be thrown at her. It may seem to other readers that I have no problem but the truth it I’m broken inside and everytime I think of my situation when alone I cry without control. My husband would bring his upbringing for the reason he lacked slef control and God knows he has tried his best in turing things around. However we are very different and right now I just want to pack up and kids and leave. He sees this as me being ungrateful for the changes he has made but in my view it should not have happened in the first place.

For some reason he cannot take into consideration that I have been shattered and broken into millions of pieces emotionally. A simple argument makes me remember all the blows and nasty things he has said to me.

I need your advice on if I need time away from him to be healed since I think he may be a constant reminder of our negative past or do I leave totally bcause I still feel like a victim many times of psychological and emotional abuse.

]]> By: Marvin MOnti http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-139499 Marvin MOnti Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:06:12 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-139499 I was the (male) one physically abusing the 'other' ...but I believe I was acting out the negative influences of my past... since coming to terms with that I have made strides towards changing those negative attributes. I was the vigilanty of my high school towards abusive guys ,can you believe that? I used to hunt down fellas like that ....even went to jail for aggrivated battery and spent 4 yrs on a charge for beating the convicted sex offender(on probation) that assaulted my then girlfriend. I am an american raised born (from 5mths old) born on a caribbean island so I was sent back after my time was served. With nothing to my name here I started a new life . Got married to an adventist (because she got pregnant out of weddlock) who is south american born and raised with little or now influence from the american culture I came from so that wasnt going to be the easiest ride to begin with. I had a 'for old time sake' with an ex during a break up period before marriage which produced a child as well and in avoiding having to confront the outside situation i lied and argued out of immaturity and lack of a proper support system. After numerous physical fights etc. it began to click ...what happen to the old me , the protector of the abused? I have been (physical) incident free for a couple years now , at most cursing when I get fustrated that i cant seem to get away from my transgressions . She says shes forgiven me but throws herself into her children 10 and 8 yrs old as well as her degree and work, with in my opinion no time devoted to getting over the past of which I sedate myself on a daily to numb myself from the guilt of having changed into the monster that I was . Yearning for a fresh start but unable to get one what is she or I to do . How do i pay her back for my wrongs....by letting her go? I was the (male) one physically abusing the ‘other’ …but I believe I was acting out the negative influences of my past… since coming to terms with that I have made strides towards changing those negative attributes. I was the vigilanty of my high school towards abusive guys ,can you believe that? I used to hunt down fellas like that ….even went to jail for aggrivated battery and spent 4 yrs on a charge for beating the convicted sex offender(on probation) that assaulted my then girlfriend. I am an american raised born (from 5mths old) born on a caribbean island so I was sent back after my time was served. With nothing to my name here I started a new life . Got married to an adventist (because she got pregnant out of weddlock) who is south american born and raised with little or now influence from the american culture I came from so that wasnt going to be the easiest ride to begin with. I had a ‘for old time sake’ with an ex during a break up period before marriage which produced a child as well and in avoiding having to confront the outside situation i lied and argued out of immaturity and lack of a proper support system. After numerous physical fights etc. it began to click …what happen to the old me , the protector of the abused? I have been (physical) incident free for a couple years now , at most cursing when I get fustrated that i cant seem to get away from my transgressions . She says shes forgiven me but throws herself into her children 10 and 8 yrs old as well as her degree and work, with in my opinion no time devoted to getting over the past of which I sedate myself on a daily to numb myself from the guilt of having changed into the monster that I was . Yearning for a fresh start but unable to get one what is she or I to do . How do i pay her back for my wrongs….by letting her go?

]]> By: Kory Kostura http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-137127 Kory Kostura Tue, 28 Feb 2012 04:10:44 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-137127 Thanks for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our area library but I think I learned more from this post. I'm very glad to see such magnificent info being shared freely out there. Thanks for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our area library but I think I learned more from this post. I’m very glad to see such magnificent info being shared freely out there.

]]> By: nick http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-129559 nick Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:12:28 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-129559 doc, I disagree with you.sure People don't change is an old adage, but I changed in fact perhaps you could agree with me, that I am able to change from being the controlling helpless victim that my parents made me into, into being loving and not jealous of my partner. see, I lived in the usa and I had an adorable wife, she is my late wife, and I threw her belongings around the room, because i was so scared of being hit by my parents, who weren't there, and I also saw tears that reminded me of my mother crying over her own misfortune, and just crying because she was putting herself after abusing me as the victim - that I thought it was my mother, I couldn't distinguisht the two, what I saw wasn't my wife crying in misery but my mother crying out of manipulations. as I was in a traumatic episode. i also feel that I want to be loved and complimented, but i cannot yet take these things - as my mother manipulated and played mind games with both of them... - it would be good for me to change my personality traits, which are learnt ones, for I did have a time when I was in love wth my late wife, and that I was also able to show her this love, for about 2 years before she had what I thought was terminal illness, - but then 6 years later she died from something else... so my part is that I DO WANT TO CHANGE. I am sick of the people in the parrt of the world that i live in they condemn and put everyone down and criticise those that look or act different from themselves... I am so wanting to love myself as well - I love my inner child, but I am so tormented each moment from my inner critic that loves to take on my parents voices and tell me that I am not good person, that I am lousy, etcetera - perhaps this is why they feel the need to control, the other people mentioned on this website I mean... y'know i also have this deamon part of me, which loves to torture myself and anyone that helps me... I have low self-esteem caused by verbally aggressive father and manipulative and controlling psychologically they both were psychologically abusive... parents... I want to tear down love and destroy it. i am so wanting to hurt people and their emotional momentos. - but I also want help can you help? doc,

I disagree with you.sure People don’t change is an old adage, but I changed in fact perhaps you could agree with me, that I am able to change from being the controlling helpless victim that my parents made me into, into being loving and not jealous of my partner. see, I lived in the usa and I had an adorable wife, she is my late wife, and I threw her belongings around the room, because i was so scared of being hit by my parents, who weren’t there, and I also saw tears that reminded me of my mother crying over her own misfortune, and just crying because she was putting herself after abusing me as the victim - that I thought it was my mother, I couldn’t distinguisht the two, what I saw wasn’t my wife crying in misery but my mother crying out of manipulations. as I was in a traumatic episode. i also feel that I want to be loved and complimented, but i cannot yet take these things - as my mother manipulated and played mind games with both of them… - it would be good for me to change my personality traits, which are learnt ones, for I did have a time when I was in love wth my late wife, and that I was also able to show her this love, for about 2 years before she had what I thought was terminal illness, - but then 6 years later she died from something else…

so my part is that I DO WANT TO CHANGE. I am sick of the people in the parrt of the world that i live in they condemn and put everyone down and criticise those that look or act different from themselves…

I am so wanting to love myself as well - I love my inner child, but I am so tormented each moment from my inner critic that loves to take on my parents voices and tell me that I am not good person, that I am lousy, etcetera - perhaps this is why they feel the need to control, the other people mentioned on this website I mean…

y’know i also have this deamon part of me, which loves to torture myself and anyone that helps me… I have low self-esteem caused by verbally aggressive father and manipulative and controlling psychologically they both were psychologically abusive… parents…

I want to tear down love and destroy it. i am so wanting to hurt people and their emotional momentos. - but I also want help

can you help?

]]> By: Linda http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-111989 Linda Mon, 31 Oct 2011 23:31:59 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-111989 Dr. Is right people do not change normally. I am in same situation. They can me nice guy when they are not angry. But this will not change. I was very confused in the relationship, when he is not angry he would tell me he love me, stick with him, he will always take care of me. But you never know when he going to upset at you. Because I do not have place to go. So I stayed. But things just repeat and repeat and get worse. Finally one day I scape out. I am on my own now. He tired email me many time a day ask me go back, he love me he want change. I am not go back with him. After I read this. Thank you DR. KC Dr. Is right people do not change normally. I am in same situation. They can me nice guy when they are not angry. But this will not change. I was very confused in the relationship, when he is not angry he would tell me he love me, stick with him, he will always take care of me. But you never know when he going to upset at you. Because I do not have place to go. So I stayed. But things just repeat and repeat and get worse. Finally one day I scape out. I am on my own now. He tired email me many time a day ask me go back, he love me he want change. I am not go back with him. After I read this.
Thank you DR. KC

]]> By: Doc KC http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-96155 Doc KC Tue, 09 Aug 2011 20:37:08 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-96155 Dear Ann, The link should work now, but just in case, here it is again. <a href="https://docinthebiz.com/subscribe.html" rel="nofollow">Email the Doctor</a> All my best, Dr. KC Dear Ann,

The link should work now, but just in case, here it is again.

Email the Doctor
All my best,
Dr. KC

]]> By: Ann http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-96150 Ann Tue, 09 Aug 2011 19:19:50 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-96150 Thank you, I tried to follow the link but I get an error. Thank you, I tried to follow the link but I get an error.

]]> By: Doc KC http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-96142 Doc KC Tue, 09 Aug 2011 17:48:32 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-96142 Dear Ann, You are most certainly in a difficult situation that no woman should ever have to live through. I think it's great that you're reaching out. and you sound like a wonderful mother. I would love to discuss this further with you in a one on one discussion, as there are many things to consider and figure out and that cannot be done here in this public forum. If you would like, please write to me <a href="https://docinthebiz.com/subscribe.html" rel="nofollow">here</a> and we can discuss this in depth. I do wish you all the best, Dr. KC Dear Ann,

You are most certainly in a difficult situation that no woman should ever have to live through. I think it’s great that you’re reaching out. and you sound like a wonderful mother.

I would love to discuss this further with you in a one on one discussion, as there are many things to consider and figure out and that cannot be done here in this public forum. If you would like, please write to me here and we can discuss this in depth.

I do wish you all the best,
Dr. KC

]]> By: ann http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-96117 ann Tue, 09 Aug 2011 14:28:20 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-96117 Dr. Kelly, I could really use some non associated feedback. I have been with my husband for fourteen years. However, I am several years younger than he is. Half of my life has been spent with him and now I am at a loss. No longer is it just me that deals with his issues I also have younger children who can tell that his behavior is not normal. I am faced with the fact that if I leave my children will still have to visit him alone on weekends. And that is not acceptable. They do not want to be alone without me to run interference. He is not exactly physically abusive toward me, he doesn't leave bruises. He has hit me once before we were married and almost knocked me out. Now the "abuse" (I feel so wierd calling it that) is mostly screaming, putting me down, and occasionally he will squeeze or do something that will deliberatly hurt me. Like I said he doesn't leave bruises. He has told me that if he caught me trying to lookup ways on the internet to get a divorce he would kill me. He has also threatend to kill my mother. He doesn't just say hey I will kill you, he actually tells me how he is going to do it. As bad as it may be to stay, I know it could be even worse if I leave. I'm not sure how the legal system works and I dont' want to take the chance of him getting visitation without supervision. That is the possibility that keeps me here. I have to put my children first and right now I feel extrememly stuck. Do I leave and take a chance that they will end up spending some time alone with him? Or do I stay and know that every morning and night is going to be hell for us? He has stopped the counsiling that he was supposed to get and he tells us that he loves us. I know love isn't this, yet I do believe that he does care for us. When he has the crazy episodes his eyes actually look crazy, he isn't the same person and I wonder if he is going to completely snap one day soon. I'm sick of being afraid of going to sleep at night and I hate waking up being screamed at in the morning. He says so many different things that I can't even really make sense of them anymore as you can probably tell by my writing. One minute he hates me and wants me to take the kids and get the "f!@# out" and another he wants us to stay and he'll kill me if I leave. He also threatens to burn the house down all the time. I know the situation is bad and I know that if anyone else were in it I would whole heartedly tell them to leave. I just can't take the chance that the kids will pay the price for my wrong decision. I can't take the chance that they will be stuck alone with him. I don't know what to do. Please send advice, thank you. Dr. Kelly,
I could really use some non associated feedback. I have been with my husband for fourteen years. However, I am several years younger than he is. Half of my life has been spent with him and now I am at a loss. No longer is it just me that deals with his issues I also have younger children who can tell that his behavior is not normal. I am faced with the fact that if I leave my children will still have to visit him alone on weekends. And that is not acceptable. They do not want to be alone without me to run interference. He is not exactly physically abusive toward me, he doesn’t leave bruises. He has hit me once before we were married and almost knocked me out. Now the “abuse” (I feel so wierd calling it that) is mostly screaming, putting me down, and occasionally he will squeeze or do something that will deliberatly hurt me. Like I said he doesn’t leave bruises. He has told me that if he caught me trying to lookup ways on the internet to get a divorce he would kill me. He has also threatend to kill my mother. He doesn’t just say hey I will kill you, he actually tells me how he is going to do it. As bad as it may be to stay, I know it could be even worse if I leave. I’m not sure how the legal system works and I dont’ want to take the chance of him getting visitation without supervision. That is the possibility that keeps me here. I have to put my children first and right now I feel extrememly stuck. Do I leave and take a chance that they will end up spending some time alone with him? Or do I stay and know that every morning and night is going to be hell for us? He has stopped the counsiling that he was supposed to get and he tells us that he loves us. I know love isn’t this, yet I do believe that he does care for us. When he has the crazy episodes his eyes actually look crazy, he isn’t the same person and I wonder if he is going to completely snap one day soon. I’m sick of being afraid of going to sleep at night and I hate waking up being screamed at in the morning. He says so many different things that I can’t even really make sense of them anymore as you can probably tell by my writing. One minute he hates me and wants me to take the kids and get the “f!@# out” and another he wants us to stay and he’ll kill me if I leave. He also threatens to burn the house down all the time. I know the situation is bad and I know that if anyone else were in it I would whole heartedly tell them to leave. I just can’t take the chance that the kids will pay the price for my wrong decision. I can’t take the chance that they will be stuck alone with him. I don’t know what to do. Please send advice, thank you.

]]> By: Doc KC http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comment-65145 Doc KC Wed, 08 Sep 2010 01:43:15 +0000 http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94#comment-65145 Dear Kate, I’m glad you wrote in with your concerns. It shows that you are a strong woman who knows how she should be treated. You have all the answers within you and you know what is best for you in the short and long run. If you would like to discuss your situation more in depth to help you find some answers, please feel free to write to me <a href="https://docinthebiz.com/subscribe.html" rel="nofollow">here</a>. I know you will make the right decision for yourself and (possibly with a little help) be on the path to the happy and healthy life you deserve. All my best, Dr. KC Dear Kate,

I’m glad you wrote in with your concerns. It shows that you are a strong woman who knows how she should be treated. You have all the answers within you and you know what is best for you in the short and long run.

If you would like to discuss your situation more in depth to help you find some answers, please feel free to write to me here.

I know you will make the right decision for yourself and (possibly with a little help) be on the path to the happy and healthy life you deserve.

All my best,
Dr. KC

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