Afraid to Love? It’s OK…There is a lot to it

13 May

Posted by: admin in: Emotional Health, Hope, Love, Relationships, Self Worth/Self Esteem

by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

Afraid of Love? It’s OK… There’s a lot to it

Are you afraid to love? There are many healthy forms of love…This just happens to be one of my favorites:

I may as well have written these words myself. Many of you know them well…

– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind.”

Love recognizes that no one is perfect. Dumb things will be said and done, but NEVER with malicious intent and love understands this. Love never fights below the belt. Love never calls names, never hurts the other and never allows the other to feel pain for longer than the time it takes to realize the other IS feeling hurt.

“It does not envy. It does not boast.”

Love is always proud of the others accomplishments. It does not wish it for itself or become jealous of it, but engages in the joy that is success and happiness in the eyes of the other. Love knows that no matter how much attention the other may get in their successes or every day lives, it only has eyes for that person. Love does not try to “up” the other. It only wants to compliment the other, as two powerful forces only form one untouchable bond.

“It is not proud. It is not rude.”

Love hasn’t any difficulty apologizing for upsetting the other, for doing something silly or out of character. It does not have an ego and is not afraid to give in to pride. It is able to speak from the soul and admit wrong-doing with sincerity and promise to try not to repeat the same mistake twice. Love knows how deeply words can cut, and it would never purposefully be cruel or say or do ANYTHING with malicious intent.

“It is not self-seeking.”

Love is all giving. It is not co-dependent, but it shares in all joys, dreams and goals of the other as if they were its own. Love accepts the other person for EXACTLY who they are.

“It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

Love understands its partner is human. It understands mistakes. Love understands what is truth about the other person. It never gives up. It never leaves you. It always joins your team, even if it doesn’t agree. It helps to make modify when both sides agree, but it NEVER attempts or tries to change the other. It loves BECAUSE of flaws, not despite them.

“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.”

Love ALWAYS makes sure the other person feels safe, secure and loved in every aspect of the word. Love is two souls coming together as one…never to be severed…never to be torn apart….never to let a misunderstanding or even a fight separate the two souls that vowed love to each other in the first place. Love protects the others heart with every ounce of its being, no matter what, no matter when, no matter where. Love NEVER gives up on the other. It never threatens to leave the other. Love gives a sense of security that can transform the other and often aid the other to reach heights they never thought possible.

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Love is there for you…it WILL find you when you least expect it. Believe…
How do you define love?

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13 Responses

Jason P.
14|May|2009 1

Love defined for me is in the enjoyments I have: music (currently, http://www.theairbornetoxicevent.com/videos), movies (Star Trek relaunch), books (baseball & biographies & history) and writing (when I don’t get distracted.)

The interpersonal relationships are fraught with potholes, hairpin turns, drunk drivers while I’ve move my cargo of feelings along an interstate that has too many greasy spoons packed with dirty customers, shrill waitresses and sloppy, ex-felon cooks. While it is easy to be ever the optimist - reading positive thinking books - the stark reality hits like a 110 degree sauna in Zona without any H-2-O to quench that thrist for the kind of relationship you described, biblically.

I’ve never experienced any of that - from anyone - in my life. Family members have been selfish since I was born. (I feel I was meant to be halved by my family.)

Since they did not teach non-toxic skills, I’ve had trouble. And because of that, I am my own best friend. (And that does sometimes get lonely.)

In the few meaningful relationships I’ve had, though I can take 100% the blame for whatever happened or fell apart, the other side had their choices too. And made them. (And apologizing never solved or salved it either.)

They likely haven’t looked back much - I am forgettable enough, most days. When I do, hindsight has only pointed to my flaws and somehow forgiven theirs. (Which sucks, really.) But they did have flaws; just theirs don’t matter, and mine did.

And while it is not our American society’s fault, it has become more negative for those that are not interconnected well, or at all. The internet has helped (and hurt) certainly when it comes to finding a friend/acquaintance.

But that’s the problem: the deeper connections we search for do not exist. Twittering won’t solve this, except in some 1 in 100,000 dice throw.

People are too afraid all around. They stick to what they know. Getting to know anyone is a chore most avoid. (Oh, and for many, outward appearances, aka money & power, seem to be the attractor.) Once again, not a strong suit. Gotta play off-trump cards.

I am outgoing and have no problem talking to anyone about anything. But the presentation likely needs some zip and the package needs a better bow and wrapping. But then what? (I’ve posted my sit. before - no need to revisit.)

Point is: often, the people in need of such advice and uplift are not very likely to get such benefits. Maybe it’s karma or poor timing, or something else more concrete, but firm is the wall standing in front of them.

I often think I’d like to talk to that loud ceiling guy (the man upstairs) and say, “why the f–k did you make this world so blessed screwed up? Why can’t we all have enough of whatever - and quit fighting over land, people “we love”, and You, for instance? What did I ever do to you? [Avoiding that whole killed your son topic.]”

In love, I think we’ve got no real choices. Some fall into it like being at a summer pool party where every bikini and swim trunk is packed with a great bod and everyone is smiling bigger than a beauty queen doing her spinderella walk.

If I find a woman EVER and we both LOVE each other - that would be like Noah sinking his ARC. A-Rod being a baseball ’saint.’ The Donald being humble. Or Obama being able to balance the budget in 4 years, get us out of two (three) wars, and get us back to full employment. Or me getting on The NEW YORK TIMES bestseller list.

Sh-t like that doesn’t happen.

Love (for me) is mirage in the Mohave and Miracles are still in the bible.
Laurie
14|May|2009 2

Beautiful! God said it perfectly didn’t he? I love your descriptions after each heading.

I have been married now for 25 years. It has been really hard having done through some very tough times but we finally made it to the best place we’ve ever been. It took a lot of what 1 Corinthians says about love to make it through, especially perseveres. In March, for our 25th, we went camping. I surprised the hub that Sat night. We had gone on a hike that evening. When we came back, there were our two teenage boys, and our counselor who was also a pastor by a campfire at our site. I asked my hub to marry me again and we renewed our vowels there in the light of the fire overlooking the lake. We exchanged necklaces with a charm on each that had our names on them and said, “I still choose you.” The hub was so touched that I had done this. It was very simple yet really meaningful to us especially after all the hard work we had done to get to this place of really choosing each other again. This ceremony was the more meaningful one of the two. It was magical!

Thanks for the reminder of how love is supposed to be Doc!
lynette
14|May|2009 3

You certainly give us much to think about Doc. I love reading your posts.
Philip
14|May|2009 4

I must say I am never disappointed when I read your posts. You put so much thought into your subject matter.

This is a serious issue. Maybe many of us are afraid of love. It is easy to be attracted to someone, but it is not easy to trust someone enough to expose our inner self and that is what we must do. Both parties. One sided love relationships are not successful.
(strictly one man’s opinion)
Doc KC
15|May|2009 5

Dear Jason,

I truly admire your definition of love. The things you enjoy in your life certainly qualify more than a another person can sometimes. Having interests and things you love to do is GREAT! Also, the fact that you are your own best friend, in my opinion, is the way it should always be. Yes, it can get lonely, but it can also get lonely when you are surrounded by others. That is precisely why self love should be first love. It is the one person you should be able to count on unconditionally, always. I will be talking about three (3) “keys” and this is the first: Self esteem is KEY to a happy life. KEY number one (1).
The roads we travel in life, certainly have many bumps (the obstacles that get in our way and the nasty people we will run into), but through it all, if we can learn how to keep our inner being strong enough to jump those obstacles, we will come out on the other side stronger than before. We cannot allow others try to bring us down. KEY number two (2).

It is unfortunate that you were not taught some imperative things when you were growing up, but at the same time, looking at that with light, it forced you to become your own best friend. And again, despite the loneliness that sometimes comes along with that, it is the third key. So many people are their own worst enemies, bring themselves down and are mean to themselves. Who needs to be nasty to themselves when at times it seems as if we are fighting the world?

I would love to see you learn how to discontinue blaming yourself for many of the negative things that have happened to you in your life, including failed relationships and other things. You’re not forgettable and you have to keep hope that the flaws you do have (and everyone has them) will be loved by someone one day, unconditionally. And that will make your flaws actually desirable. Imagine that?

We all question God’s motives (if we believe in God) and many people have many different answers as to the dangerous question of “why” things happen. Many people have even screamed and cursed at God for putting them in certain situations. You are not alone in that!

I did not post that passage because it came from the “bible,” but instead because I loved what it had to say. So, I’m not going to ever touch the religion topic, but want to just instill in you (if you will take it) that there are people who will listen to you and help you get through some of the harsh experiences you’ve had and the negative feelings you hold. Whatever you have learned, can be unlearned and new, more positivity can be learned in its place. However, before this happens, you have to let go a bit and give in to hope. If you are not willing to make changes in your thought patterns, then it will be difficult for change to occur.

I will always believe that inner beauty will win out over exterior beauty that fades in time. It’s hard to see this for some and chemistry does play a huge role in a relationship; however, beauty is relative. And the most beautiful person can be unattractive if their insides do match their outsides.

In conclusion, I want to thank you sincerely for opening up here and sharing your thoughts in this comment you wrote. I implore you to please work to stop this “stinkin thinking,” as they call it in the psychology world. Take this phrase you said above, “Sh-t like that doesn’t happen,” and turn it around…”I can make anything that I want happen.”

Please feel free to write to me at DOCintheBiz and perhaps I can work with you to turn the negative into the positive. If not me, please find someone to talk to. When you do this, and it’s not a fantasy, good things will start to happen. There is light to be found, even in the darkest of tunnels.

Thank you again for your comment, Jason.

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
15|May|2009 6

Dear Laurie,

Love is a very touchy and difficult topic about which to talk. Some will relate and others may feel badly that they cannot relate because they have never had what is spoken about in the Corinthian’s passage. As I mentioned to Jason, I did not post that passage because it came from the bible. I posted it because I loved what it had to say about love. Will all couples find all components of what makes for the best kind of love (in MY opinion)? Probably not, so it was certainly not my intention to set anyone up for failure in their relationships, but to give them something from which to learn.

You are so honest and beautiful when you talk about the hard times that come with relationships and I do appreciate you sharing that with the readers here. In reading that passage above, we can make goals to strive for either in our present relationships or the one that we want to find. To not look for perfection, but to look for ways to better ourselves and how we relate to others was my intention. And you seem to understand this.

What an amazing surprise you had for your husband. I’m thrilled for you and wish you many continued years of love and happiness. I know you can jump any obstacles that come along in your life or your relationship, Laurie, because you have the self worth and strength to make those jumps! Very often, most of the smallest sentiments are the most meaningful!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful story!

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
15|May|2009 7

Dear Lynette,

I’m so glad that I gave you “food for thought”. Please keep reading and sharing anytime you wish. You’re always welcome here.

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
15|May|2009 8

Dear Philip,

Thank you for your very kind comment! You are correct when you say it is not easy to trust and many can vouch for that. However, when you do give in and allow yourself to trust and it is returned, you will be elated that you took that risk. Keep hope and keep believing anything is possible!

Please continue reading and writing!
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Jason P.
19|May|2009 9

I appreciate your response. I didn’t really think you were going the bible-religion route. (And I am not at all religiously bent.)

To the stinking-thinking: The very few people in my life are often the reason I slip into this way of being. I can not escape, yet, as the economy and circumstances (like my 7-year old conviction for a felony) preclude much of what I would undoubtedly be capable of.

I work, but only to keep a mortgage paid for people that I DO not love. In January, the final straw as far as a relationship to me was broke. When you hear a certain phrase - being called akin to another relative - which is at the root cause of the conflict and know that WILL never change, it leaves you no options.

I have a bus ticket, a nearly completely historically minded baseball book ( November 2009, if I don’t get distracted) and that’s all really.

I do want to move forward - just have to have a place to go to.
Doc KC
20|May|2009 10

Dear Jason,

Thank you for your comment back! I’m glad you’re writing as you are.

I wanted to address, firstly, that my intent here was NOT to go the bible/religious route, as I never do talk of religion, only faith and spirituality on occasion. This passage I chose, just happens to be written in the bible and I believe it is an absolutely beautiful description of love. This article was talk about love, not religion.

I read all that you are going through and give you kudos for your strength to endure as you most certainly are doing. And when you reach out and tell your story to others, like you do here, you are demonstrating your strength even more. I love the fact that you say, “I do want to move forward.” That is wonderful. Now you have to turn that want into action. You DO have a place to go, you just might not see it or have it figured out yet.

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
igniz
20|May|2009 11

i enjoy thinking, and discussing topics.
and love is one topic that most people would enjoy talking about.
but when it comes to giving one’s own perceptions, on love, i’ll have to say that yours are the best, so far. i’m glad that that i dropped by:)
Doc KC
20|May|2009 12

Dear Igniz,

I’m thrilled that you “dropped by” as well! Thank you so much for your kind comment. I truly hope you will visit and share your thoughts often.

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
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