Are There Bad People?

30 Jun

Posted by: admin in: Depression, Emotional Health, Self Worth/Self Esteem

by KC Kelly, Ph.D., LMHC

Are There Bad People? Have you ever heard a child say, “I’m a bad boy” or “I’m a bad girl”? I have always taught the children with whom I have worked and counseled that there is no such thing as a “bad” child. I go on to explain that there are no “bad” children or people, only “bad” choices and behaviors that they may make or exhibit.

I think that it is very important for people to realize this. When working with, counseling, befriending, or even romancing another person, you must find good qualities in him/her in order to form any kind of relationship. If not, they should not be in your life.

It may be spiritual or even religious (I have no idea), but my way of thinking is that everyone, no matter who they are, with what issue(s) or even disorder(s) they may suffer, or what kinds of inappropriate choices they have made in their lifetime, they have redeeming qualities that make them a good person. This goes for everyone. Even the seemingly “worst” person you think you know, has good qualities that may just never be overt to you. Maybe not even to him/her. But these good qualities are there, perhaps buried deep below the surface. Some may completely disagree with me and that’s OK too, but I care to try to seek out the good in people, and if I cannot, I prefer to not have them in my life.

Do you feel like you’re a “bad” person? Have you done things for which you cannot forgive yourself? Do you live with guilt and blame which you inflict upon yourself? If the answer is “yes” please re-read what I have written above.

You can have all the people in the world telling you that you have good qualities, that you are a good person, and that you are worthy. However, as you may already know, YOU have to be the one to believe it more than anyone else. Yes, it would be nice for others to see this good in you, but the most important one to see this good? Of course, you knew what I was going to say…YOU!

Are There Bad People? I don’t think so. Only bad choices and behaviors which people can learn how to correct.

Please visit me at http://DOCintheBiz.com for mental health self help links and the opportunity to email me for professional and confidential help with any concerns you may have. You are never alone!

Dr. KC
http://DOCintheBiz.com

This article is copyrighted by DOCintheBiz.com and may be respectfully re-distributed for non-commercial educational purposes granted that website link and author credit remain intact.

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38 Responses

ClinicallyClueless
30|Jun|2008 1

This post made me tearful. I was the dumping ground for all of the adults around me for their bad projections including a cult that my mother was involved with. I was constantly told and thier actions reinforced that I was bad or evil or should die. Now, that is like background music in my head that becomes louder when I assert myself even a little like writing a comment. So, I’ve been having a tough time. I also know now that it is a defense against feeling. Instead of feeling I judge. When I did behavioral intervention, I always avoided even using the word good or bad in reference to a behavior. I would use unwise choice or could have made a more helpful decision or better. I try to take the judgement out of it completely.

By the way, I am in therapy four days per week and under psychiatric care every other week…I’m in good hands. My therapist and I have known each other for 21 years…he so knows me, can’t get away with much anymore. Still there are layers.
Benny Greenberg
30|Jun|2008 2

Childen believe what they hear. And when they hear you telling everyone that “she is shy” - whe will be. When you say “he is a bad boy”.” he will be and when you fill them with pride and happiness - they will grow up confident and filled with self esteem.
—————-
You know - “Sometimes the good of the ONE outweighs the good of the many.” A Ya-ttitude-ism that people need to understand. When the ONE is you and the ONE must understand and love and understant themselves before they can be all they can be!

Benny
http://www.ya-ttitude.com
Benny Greenberg
30|Jun|2008 3

BTW: Napoleon Hill would say: “DON’T BLAME CHILDREN WHO ARE BAD. BLAME THOSE WHO FAILED TO DISCIPLINE THEM.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson once observed, “Our chief want in life is somebody who will make us do what we can.” Although children doubtless do not recognize it at the time, they crave discipline, particularly during their formative years. Discipline defines boundaries for them, provides security, and is an active expression of a parent’s love. Most important, it prepares them for the challenges of adulthood. If your childhood was less than perfect, you are in good company. Most of us have experienced difficulties at one time or another, and we all make mistakes from time to time. The good news is that while your environment as a child will have a profound influence upon the person you become, it is not the sole determinant. The person you choose to be is entirely up to you. Only you can decide who and what you will become in life.

I love this guy
Laurie
01|Jul|2008 4

I believe all people have a good heart. God is love and we were created in his image so how can we be bad? You are right, it is their choices that are a problem.

Benny said: BTW: Napoleon Hill would say: “DON’T BLAME CHILDREN WHO ARE BAD. BLAME THOSE WHO FAILED TO DISCIPLINE THEM.”

While that does make sense, there are times when parents try with all they are, seeking professional help, getting medication for their child, reading every book they can find and their child/teenager continues to make poor choices and acts out of control. I think for some, it takes the child’s decision that the consequences are just not worth it for the child to go there. Those consequences may be jail or being homeless and hungry, or being told I cannot have you in my life anymore until you get it together. I have a problem with the last two until they are 18 years old. But after that, it’s fair game.
Dr. KC
01|Jul|2008 5

Dear Laurie,

The long standing debate of nature vs. nurture will forever reign. I, personally have been caught in the cross fire of those who wanted to debate forever on this topic, until I realized, debates are just that and I do not care for them or have to participate in them.

I cannot and will not be able to accept the words from Napoleon Hill, no matter how well known he may be in his field. I will never call a child “bad” nor will I ever 100% blame a parent for a child’s misgivings.

We hope that parents will do a good job in raising their children, try to teach them right from wrong the best they can and then let them out into the world to be the best they can be. Sometimes, it is OUT of parents hands. They can have the best intentions, but have children with chemical imbalances that they cannot control. As long as the parent does as you have said, gets professional help, educates themselves, etc. they are doing their job. Unfortunately, they may end up still feeling helpless as their child still remains with issues that seemingly cannot be solved. I will respect others opinions, but will not debate this fact. Chemical imbalances are just another issue.

Thank you for raising this point and sending in the comment.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Dr. KC
01|Jul|2008 6

Dear Benny,

Children, in my opinion, definitely crave discipline, structure, and stability. Without these three, they have a much greater chance of going astray in their younger years or finding trouble. This in return, makes things much harder for them as adults. It does not mean that adults who were not disciplined or lead down a positive path as children cannot turn out to be some of the most happy and successful adults, however.

Thank you for your comment. It fit in so well with my epistemology.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Dr. KC
01|Jul|2008 7

Dear Benny,

Children “may” believe what they hear depending on from whom the words are coming and based on what they are taught by their primary care takers. We should always stay positive when we talk to our children, encourage them to do the things they love, to do the right things, and to stay safe. That, in my opinion, makes for a healthy child that grows into a healthy adult.

Thank you for your comment.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Dr. KC
01|Jul|2008 8

Dear Clinically Clueless,

Wonderful that you are getting fantastic care. I love the idea of not using the words good or bad, but finding kinder words, as you say, “unwise”. I also use “appropriate” or “inappropriate”. You are learning great skills to keep yourself on the right track. And of course it takes time and patience to unlearn and relearn, but as you are realizing…it can be done. You are and have made amazing progress!

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
ClinicallyClueless
01|Jul|2008 9

Regarding Benny’s comment on discipline, structure and stability…and boundaries. Children not only crave it, but they want it, on some level, it helps them to feel safe.
Dr. KC
01|Jul|2008 10

Dear Laurie,

We are all in agreement here!
Thank you for your comment!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Jennifer
02|Jul|2008 11

Just like in my last post, we all start out in this world a 10 on a scale of 1-10. The choices we make affect what number we actually are. Of course as children we can be “messed up” by people telling us we are “bad”. That really really affects who people become. Just like Benny said a child who is told they are a bad child will be a bad child. If we tell ourselves we are a bad person, well guess what???? I believe there are bad people out there who have choosen to just be bad and don’t want to change. However, there is still good in them if they where to choose let it out. But some people don’t want to do that. It’s a wonderful person who can find the good in everyone and bring it out in them. I love those people! Don’t you just love being around them!?

Just a thought… It’s up to us to love and accept people for who they are. That’s really important. However, some people are dangerous to be around. That is when we must be very wise and not be around people who can harm us.

Thanks for the wonderful very thought provoking post.
Laurie
02|Jul|2008 12

There is a lot of gray in the world. Black and white is really only in my crayon box. :O)
Dr. KC
02|Jul|2008 13

Dear Jennifer,

Children and adults, for that matter, will truly feel as though they are “bad” the more they are told it by someone else. It usually sticks with children until they become adults and are able to unlearn what has been “pounded” into their heads. I still don’t believe there are “bad” people, but as you said there certainly are people who make “bad” choices and don’t care to change even though they could find “good” if they wanted to do so.

I can’t say I know many people who can find good in every single person, but I do know some. You’re correct, in my opinion. We do have to be smart about being around people who can cause us harm, either physically (of course), but perhaps even more we need to stay out of the paths of those who cause us emotional harm because sometimes that can do more harm than anything importantly (depending on the degree of physical harm). As the cliché goes, “Sticks and stones…” doesn’t sit well with me. Words can hurt even more sometimes and can have longer lasting affects.

Thank you for your comment!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Dr. KC
02|Jul|2008 14

Dear Laurie,

I love this comment! It’s very true! Thank you!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
livelife365
03|Jul|2008 15

What an inspirational post. If we spend our time looking for the good and positive in ourselves, and others, then the world would that much better a place. Glad I dropped by.

By the way, I added your blogs to my blogroll.

peace,
Mike
livelife365
Dr. KC
03|Jul|2008 16

Dear Mike,

I’m glad you dropped by too. Thank you for your comment which I found to be full of truth!
Thank you for adding me to your blogroll!

Please keep reading and posting here!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work
03|Jul|2008 17

I’m glad you were very clear that there are no “bad” people. I would go so far as to say that there also are no inherently “evil” people. Most folks are doing the best they can with what they have. We all make mistakes and occasionally slip below our best values. Generally most folks who are judgmental in this regard need to look within and see what they are reacting to.
Dr. KC
03|Jul|2008 18

Dear Tom,

Everyone deserves a chance to show that they can make good decisions (again, if they choose to do so). And of course, everyone will make the wrong ones here and there because we ARE human. The difficult part for some comes in when people constantly make negative choices without remorse and that’s when they get called “bad” people. So, I suppose I can understand both sides of the coin, however, I will still keep hold to the idea that a person is not “bad” only a behavior, decision, or choice.

Thank you for your comment.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Lance
03|Jul|2008 19

I love this article, and back what you say 100%. I coach a young group of kids on a soccer team each year. There are a couple of kids whose “behavior” has been less than stellar (ok, actually any one on the team has had moments). But a couple of kids, and one in particular, consistently have a hard time behaving. But yet when I work with them one on one, I really see that they are inherently good. And they want to have fun and be involved, they just struggle a bit with behavioral issues. And I think that goes right along with what you’ve written, that everyone has good inside of them. I believe it. It’s really what makes this world a great place.
Dr. KC
03|Jul|2008 20

Dear Lance,

You seem like an amazing coach, teacher, and inspiration for children. It’s so wonderful to hear that someone like you has the ability to influence these kids.

It is interesting how children can change when you get them one on one. Many times their behavior is less than desirable when they are trying to impress their friends. Especially in a situation such as a soccer field! Boys will be boys, as the cliché goes. You truly can see what someone is all about when you get them alone and I’m super glad that you have that opportunity to truly see the good in the kids that aren’t quite behaving all the time.

Thank you for sharing and commenting! Please keep reading and posting, Coach!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Roy Hewitt
04|Jul|2008 21

Hi Dr. KC,

I enjoyed reading through your website. Please view mine, and would you pass it on to a few of your contacts? Thanks. Roy.
Dr. KC
04|Jul|2008 22

Dear Roy,

I’m glad you enjoyed my website. I will be happy to view yours.
Thank you for your comment.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
John Rocheleau - Zen-Moments
04|Jul|2008 23

What you say about the need to find good qualities in a person before you can establish a real relationship is so true.

Good resides in all of us — in some it is more buried than in others — but it is there. Most people are happy when someone recognizes the good in them, or holds a metaphorical door open for them to express it.

I think it is important that in every encounter we have, we try to hold that door open. We can choose to relate only to the good in people. It actually works if you really mean it

Great article Doc.
Dr. KC
04|Jul|2008 24

Dear John,

I love your metaphor of holding open the door for people to be able to express their good traits. This is an invitation to allow those in our lives who can exhibit their good and if they chose not to, at least we know we have tried.

Thank you so much for your comment!
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Shilpan|successsoul.com
05|Jul|2008 25

Dr KC,

I agree with you that there are no bad people. We are part of this magical force called universe. It is true that some have done heinous crimes on this earth but these people were born as pure as any of us had. They allowed their consciousness to die and that probably turned their life upside down.

Shilpan
Dr. KC
05|Jul|2008 26

Dear Shilpan,

Many poor decisions come from “learned behavior”. Other choices people often make come from brainwashing. For example, many of the heinous things that occurred in our world’s history began this way from brainwashing the subconscious. But you’re correct…these same people were born pure. It’s incredible the way people can learn. What is also incredible is that people can “unlearn” as well.

Thank you for your comment.
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
elizabeth
06|Jul|2008 27

Dear Dear Doc,
Have I told you lately how incredible your posts are and how much I enjoy and learn from the comments and your terrific answers. Wherever do you find the time to answer each and every person and with such wisdom? You are helping so many people. I am at the top of that list. Thank you, Elizabeth
Dr. KC
06|Jul|2008 28

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you so much for your very kind comment. It is well appreciated! I am so glad that you have found me here. Please continue to read and post!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
BK
08|Jul|2008 29

I agree with you when you said, “Are There Bad People? I don’t think so. Only bad choices and behaviors which people can learn how to correct.” Basically I am a person who choose to believe in the goodness of people. And I always want to seek out the positive side of people. What we choose to focus on amplify. So if we choose to focus on the negative aspects of people, they most certainly cloud the positive aspects.
Dr. KC
08|Jul|2008 30

Dear BK,

I think you have a lovely attitude about people. It’s very healthy to want to seek out the positive in people, not the negative. I agree with you… if we can only see the bad qualities of someone, this will often “cloud” anything good.

Thank you for your comment.
Please keep reading and posting.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
FANCY SWEDEN
12|Jul|2008 31

Hello Dr. KC

Find my way to you by David.

What a great side you have and whit really thoughtful questions. I don’t think the people or the living can be bad for me The acting is bad.
I have bean scrolling and reading round and up and down on your site and I’m glad that I found you.
Dr. KC
12|Jul|2008 32

Dear Fancy Sweden,

I just as glad as you that you found your way to DOCintheBiz and my blog. I thank David for being the catalyst in your discovery. He’s a wonderful contribution to the blogging community!

Please keep reading and posting whenever you would like. You’re always welcome here!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Hisham
13|Jul|2008 33

When ever I come back to your blog I found something useful, i thank you for your great articles.

I agree with you that there is no body’s “bad”, and we came to this life “good persons” by default, and it’s all about bad choices which makes anyone bad…

I think also that religious people feel they are bad bad than other non-believers, because the lake of religion understanding!

anyone can chance this by doing good things and change themselves, as we all know that people are welling to forget the past if a person turns and change his way.

This is what I think! and thanks again.
Dr. KC
13|Jul|2008 34

Dear Hisham,

It’s my pleasure to bring informative and helpful articles to my readers! Thank you for your words!

Yes, religion does often play a big role in how a person may feel if they go against something they have been taught. I try not to touch on religion too much, however, as people tend to have their beliefs and feel very strongly either way. When I speak to someone one on one, we can come to a determination about how their faith affects them, however, it’s much more difficult to do in a forum.

People in general, as you say, have choices, and hopefully they make good ones, to not only make themselves feel happy and remain healthy, but to help others as well.

Thank you for your comment.

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Lim Ee Hai
20|Jul|2008 35

Bad or good is relative. Being branded “bad” can be “good” if the reference changes. However, self-claiming that one is “bad” is a very sad case of self-destruction. Nobody should claim to be weak, silly, bad or otherwise. We can always improve by staying positive. I believe you agree with me, Doc.
Dr. KC
20|Jul|2008 36

Dear Lim Ee Hai,

We, as therapists, life coaches or anyone interested in self improvement always agree that the best way to live a happy and healthy life is to try to stay positive as much of the time as we can. And when we DO start to feel, ”weak, silly, or bad” as you phrased it, we need to break out of it, change our thought patterns and revert back to positive thoughts and feelings.

Thank you for your very insightful comment!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
YogaforCynics
20|Jul|2008 37

It’s funny (well, actually not so funny) that people always tend to be definied by their worst behaviors. You can have a wonderful friend for years but then, when that friend does you wrong, suddenly it’s “I’m finally seeing the real you,” with all of the positive actions, apparently, counting for nothing. Ultimately, it’s simply, tragically easier for us to divide everyone into binary categories than to see people in all of their complexity.
Dr. KC
20|Jul|2008 38

Dear YogaforCynics,

I hear you loudly and clearly and have to agree. As I see it, human nature does in fact “define people by their worst behaviors” as you stated. Not always, however, as we can find great forgiving friendships and relationships (no matter what kind) that love unconditionally. That means, loving because of flaws and not despite them. That means forgiving. That means always seeing the good in the other person no matter what they may have done to upset us. Our “mistakes” as people may call them, are NOT what define us. I do wish more people would understand that.

Thank you for your comment. Great to see you here!

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com

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Are There Bad People?

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