by KC Kelly, Ph.D.
How many of you have children? How many of you work with children? I thought this was a very interesting view on the difference of behavior labeling for adults and children. Some may be a little severe and not always hold true in all cases, of course, but which ones do you agree with and why? Please share your experiences. I would love to have your input.
If an adult is reinforced for behaving appropriately, we call it recognition.
If a child is reinforced for behaving appropriately, we call it bribery.
If an adult laughs with friends, we call it socializing.
If a child laughs with friends, we call it misbehaving.
If an adult writes in a book, we call it doodling.
If a child writes in a book, we call it destroying property.
If an adult sticks to something, we call it perseverance.
If a child sticks to something, we call it stubbornness.
If an adult seeks out help for something, we call it counseling.
If a child seeks out help for something, we call it whining.
If an adult is not paying attention, we call it preoccupation.
If a child is not paying attention, we call it distractibility.
If an adult forgets something, we call it absent-minded.
If a child forgets something, we call it attention-deficit.
If an adult tells his side of a story, we call it clarification.
If a child tells his side of a story, we call it talking back.
If an adult raises his voice in anger, we call it maintaining control.
If a child raises his voice in anger we call it temper tantrum.
If an adult hits a child, we call it disciplining.
If a child hits another child, we call it fighting.
If an adult behaves in an unusual way we call him unique.
If a child behaves in an unusual way, we refer him for psychological evaluation.
Author Unknown
This article is copyrighted by DOCintheBiz.com and may be respectfully re-distributed for non-commercial educational purposes granted that website link and author credit remain intact.
20 Responses
Lance
21|Dec|2008 1Hi Doc,
Well…this one is very interesting. There are many I agree with, at least in terms of what I see, hear, or do (and I’m not saying that’s right…) — and then there are also some I have to disagree with. I’m speaking as both a parent of three kids and as an adult who has worked with kids.
Looking at these, I can easily say the adults get the better deal. And why is that? Is it because we think that, as adults, we “should” know this stuff - so if we’re doing something, it must be ok. Kids often get the unfair deal. Example: Just the other day, my youngest son (10) was “complaining” about how his brother was treating him. I told him to stop whining (am I proud of this? no.) I wasn’t trying to understand his point of view. I was seeing it strictly as another time he was “whining” about being picked on by this brother. Yet, had say, an adult friend came to me with something similar, I know we would have sat down to really discuss it. Wrong? YES. Why do we treat kids problems, always, as juvenile? Maybe that’s it, we think they must be juvenile, it can’t really be “important” - and yet, to them, to that child - it is very important. And because it’s important to them - it should be to us too. I guess I’m not saying I get this wrong all the time - sometimes I get it right - and in fact, many of the sayings above - I disagree with the kids version. Yet, for all that, I still have moments where I treat kids “problems” as not important. And that’s wrong.
You point out something very important Doc KC - the importance of everyone, and that everyone IS entitled to feel the way they do - regardless of age…
Doc KC
21|Dec|2008 2Dear Lance,
Yes, I certainly am glad you picked up on my thought that everyone is entitled to feel the way they do regardless of age. Put in better words, “Everything is relative”. Children sure do get the raw end of the stick many times. And why? Because adults THINK they know better. It’s funny how sometimes kids actually get it right more often then adults do.
Let’s look more closely at the statement, “Everything is relative”. I often use this example: When you take a lollypop away from a 2 year old child, watch them scream bloody murder. Would an adult act that way? Probably not. It’s all relative. That lollypop is just as important to that 2 year old child as $100,000 would be to us.
It’s wonderful how you truly try to listen to your children and see their side of things. Trying to see the situation from their lense is imperative to helping them through it. You sound like a great dad.
Thank you so much for your comment!
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
ClinicallyClueless
23|Dec|2008 3I have thought about this difference in perspective for a long time especially working with developmentally disabled adults and children with behavioral issues and thus treatment plans. I try to be mindful of how it relates in my world, such as an annual meeting for me would be an annual review. Both have goals. Sometimes, I tell them that “yes, it is unfair if you were not a client or a child,” we wouldn’t be focusing so much on these things and I just might be called a little different. After, trying to “normalize” whatever behavior, I would then bring it back to whether they felt it was a problem or not and wanted help. If they didn’t think it was, I would slowly bring up things that made others feel like it was a problem. Rarely, did I not hit upon something that had them in agreement with working as a team together on the issue at hand.
Also, teaching that there are different rules for different settings and ages like it wouldn’t be okay for your mother and your sister to hit each other. And so on…
Bruno LoGreco
23|Dec|2008 4Children learn their behaviors from experiences they go through leading into adulthood. When a child is not being heard and is told to stop whining over and over again, to them it might sound as if their feelings are unimportant. The inability to express true emotion as a child leads to suppression as an adult.
Of course everything is relative and there is a fine balance between maladaptive and malignant - too much one thing and not enough of another could have opposite effect.
kramer
23|Dec|2008 5Oh, do I love this one! What a great post.
Laurie
24|Dec|2008 6Hummmm. Lots to ponder.
With my oldest boy, everything was such a crisis. Every hurt was major. I was honest with him and told him that when everything is given the same intensity, I cannot distinguish the big hurts for the little ones and will end up ignoring something major. He seemed to understand.
As a teacher, I have often seen adult behavior that, if one of my students pulled, he would have been crucified. So my question is how do you draw the line between teaching acceptable behavior and appropriate expression of feelings without either causing a child to stuff it all or go overboard with it and not be able to handle everyday situations in life. It is important to help kids channel their spirit and not break it. It’s like everything else, kids feelings can be used for good or evil. A wise parent helps their kid to use their feelings for good, to discover their passions and dreams, to get in touch with their authentic self and to live from their core. If a kid can get to that place, I think they will be content, fulfilled and be a contributor and not only a taker.
Laurie
24|Dec|2008 7Oh and I don’t like it when teachers say that kids can’t pay attention. I don’t believe it is that at all. I believe it is more that everything captures their attention. A totally different perspective on it.
J.D. Meier
25|Dec|2008 8Beautiful principle of contrast. I like that lots.
I particularly like the clarification vs. talking back one.
It’s funny how the lens shapes the view.
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 9Dear Clinically Clueless,
I didn’t know you worked with developmentally disabled adults and children. That is so wonderful! You seem to be an amazing asset to the team with whom you work! They are very lucky to have you! So are the clients! You have a fantastic heart!
Thank you for your comment.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 10Dear Bruno LoGreco,
I agree with you about where children learn their behaviors. There is no doubt that environment plays a huge role in how a child turns out as an adult. Nature and nurture play roles; however, it is also important to point out that behaviors that have been learned can be unlearned and replaced. That’s what gives hope to everyone.
Thank you so much for your comment.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 11Dear Kramer,
Thank you very much for your comment. I’m glad that you have joined us and I hope you will continue reading.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 12Dear Laurie,
Don’t I always give you lots to ponder? Smile.
You explained the idea of intensity of events very well to your son. I’m so glad that he was able to understand! The answer to your question can come in many forms as each child will be different. I personally, have told the story, “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” many times to children with whom I have worked. The results were terrific. Just like with your son, you teach children that expressing their feelings is a wonderful thing, but at the same time, you teach them HOW to express them. For instance, talking calmly to an adult about what is bothering him/her versus yelling, throwing, breaking, or hitting. This, like so many other things is something that takes learning. By children as well as by adults. We all could learn how to express ourselves better in many cases.
I agree completely with what you said. Quite often, the same behavior demonstrated by a child and an adult would leave the child in big trouble, while the adult flies under the radar. It’s not quite fair.
Many more parents should teach their children in the way you described at the end of your post! Bravo to that!
Thank you so much for your comment.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 13Dear Laurie,
This comment is so insightful about paying attention! Yes, it is true. Children are often sponges and absorb everything. Sometimes almost to the point of overstimulation. In school, it is expected that when a teacher is teaching, the child should be paying attention to ONLY the teacher. That can be very difficult sometimes when there are other things going on around the room or even outside. Many children AND adults cannot demonstrate tunnel vision, but are easily distractible. The difference, as we said before, is that adults can get away with it more times while children will often get in trouble for it.
Thank you for adding this comment.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 14Dear J.D. Meier,
Wonderful to hear from you again. Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
ClinicallyClueless
25|Dec|2008 15Yes, I worked in the field for 17 years and prior to that runaway teens. Most of my caseload (72) were medically fragile or/and had mental health issues with all different cognitive levels. I always had some in the hospital either psychiatric or medical. Three years ago when my PTSD and depressive symptoms and management change took place, I was no longer able to work. I really miss it, but I know that I can’t do the work in therapy that I need to do and work at the same time. This coming from a workaholic. I loved my work, but I may work, not work, volunteer or go back to school. My dream is to obtain my Psy.D., but at my age it may not be a wise choice.
Thanks,
CC
Doc KC
25|Dec|2008 16Dear CC,
You probably know what I’m going to say. You can accomplish ANYTHING you want if you set realistic goals, keep on your path, and never give up! If you want it, go for it! Read my other article about goal setting again if you need to!
Never think you’re too old for anything! That’s a fallacy and not a good way to think. You have so much to give to others as well as to yourself. Do what you are good at and what you love! Let nothing get in your way.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
HealthNut
26|Dec|2008 17Great post. I think it’s wrong to set different standards for children. Nobody wants to take the time and effort to nurture and understand children. It seems everyone wants to “fix” kids and medicate them to make them compliant. It’s a shame because some of the most animated children are destined to become free thinking leaders (which we could use more of in this world today).
Cascia @ Healthy Moms
09|Jan|2009 18Wow, I never thought about that this way. What an interesting post. You are absolutely right it seems like we are way to negative with our children. Maybe we should be more positive about some of these behaviors. Very interesting. Thank you for sharing!
Doc KC
09|Jan|2009 19Dear Cascia,
I’m really glad that you enjoyed this post. Thank you for visiting and I hope you’ll be reading often.
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Doc KC
09|Jan|2009 20Dear Health Nut,
Thank you for writing. Let’s celebrate those that help our children become their best every day! Those that can see past a child’s behavior to figure out the reasoning behind what they do. Hopefully things will change with educating adults about behavior labeling.
Your comment is very appreciated!
All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Leave a reply
Search
Categories
Recent Posts
Subscribe By Email
Recent Comments
Blogcatalog
Archives
Links
A design creation of Design Disease
Copyright © 2007 - DOCintheBiz - is proudly powered by WordPress
InSense 1.0 Theme by Design Disease brought to you by HostGator Web Hosting.