25 Responses

1. Ken

   14|May|2008 1

   Love is difficult to define because it comes in so many forms. Love isn’t always in the romantic sense we often think of… sometimes, it’s just knowing someone stands by you and offers a few words of wisdom.

   I could go on for hours about forms of love, but I believe I phrased it better in the column I wrote: http://www.generationq.net/opinion/yabbering-yank/our-quest-for-love-001.shtml

2. J.D. Meier

   14|May|2008 2

   If I were to explain the instant connection or the instant rejection, I would say a lot of it is rapid pattern matching and mental simulation (in the blink of an eye.) Our brain does rapid pattern matching against all our incoming sensory experience against all our past experiences, and creates an impression (a survival instinct.)

   I found out about the pattern matching and mental simulation from Gary Klein’s book, “Sources of Insight.”

   I don’t know if you’re familiar with NLP, but I think matching/mirroring patterns as well as meta-programs (audio, visual, kinesthetic) account for a lot of situational connection/refjection. Personally, I know that “rapport before influence” is the golden rule, and Stephen Covey reminds us that the Greeks knew it too (Ethos, Pathos, Logos.)

3. Jackal

   14|May|2008 3

   I have just come across your blog and had a quick look through your titles and feel your blog will be an interesting and informative place to learn about how I am and how I relate to others. I was diagnosed with the dreaded Borderline Personality Disorder and am trying to come to terms with my life.

4. Geoffrey

   14|May|2008 4

   Hi there KC

   This piece touches on some very interesting areas. I’m not sure if we might differ in our beliefs on the subject of “love” but if we do, I’m sure you will know that what I say is said respectfully.

   I agree that love is an indeterminate state. There is little agreement between people as to what “love” really means. My understanding and beliefs about love, in all probability, are different to yours.

   What you describe as the “chemistry” that draws people together I would describe as “attraction” (not love). It is totally unfathomable; no one understands how it works. It might be pheromones; it may be the workings of our subjectivity or unconscious minds. You are right. We are often attracted to certain types of people and not others that certainly has more to do with our subjectivity and unconscious than any smell!

   But attraction is that first step towards love. If a relationship progresses beyond attraction, and it may or may not, then I would characterise the first phase (in common with others like Robert Sternberg) of a love relationship as being one of “romantic” and “erotic passion”. This passion is a step towards love without in itself being “real” or “true” love. I like to call this the “fireworks” phase. It feels wonderful – it’s like being high or on drugs (of the nicest metaphorical kind, of course). This phase of passion is often based on some positive ideation of the other – we see them as we want them to be, rather than as who they really are. It’s a critically important phase that builds our capacity and reserves in a relationship for what comes later…for the bounce down to reality. In some form or another, this passion may continue if a love relationship is to be sustained…but it needs nurturing too, though the “fireworks” phase is commonly believed to last for about six months.

   After six months usually comes the bump back to reality when one sees the other person as they really are. This is where the prototypical (fundamental perceptions) aspects of love come into play. What may carry us forward to enduring and lasting love, is not something like chemistry or attraction, but deeper feelings like: Trust, caring, intimacy, companionate love, respect, humour and some healthy excitement from time-to-time! Hey! I didn’t even mention sex! LOL More later…

   Oops…in our banter about both being shrink-wraps I neglected to mention that the ‘psychology of love’ seems to have become my specialisation by accident! And this might be the longest comment ever! So I’ll end soon.

   I’d love to talk more with you about this subject! But you can find some of my thoughts here:

   On the nature of true love and why love and sex are different:

   http://geoffreysplace.net/lovespassage/files/love_intimacy5.php

   On making love relationships and how they might develop:

   http://geoffreysplace.net/lovespassage/files/love_relationships1.php

   On common variants of love:

   http://geoffreysplace.net/lovespassage/files/love_relationships2.php

   And finally on “Love – why bother?” and I believe we should!

   http://geoffreysplace.net/lovespassage/files/love_why_bother.php

   Feel very free to comment away… I enjoy talking with you!

5. Dr. KC

   14|May|2008 5

   Dear Ken,

   I agree with you. I too believe that there are many kinds of love. When reciprocated in whatever way, meaning romantically, friendship-wise or in a familial way, they can all be very fulfilling and life altering.

   Thank you for your comment and sharing your article.
   Please keep reading and posting!
   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

6. Dr. KC

   14|May|2008 6

   Dear J.D.,

   This is very insightful information. Thank you for sharing and giving great references for others to learn more about NLP and such. You have shared some ways in which researchers have spent years trying to understand the chemicals within us that make us attracted or not to another. “Proving” and finding hard evidence for such an abstract emotion or any emotion is extremely difficult.

   Thank you again for your comment and please keep reading and posting!
   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

7. Dr. KC

   14|May|2008 7

   Dear Jackal,

   I’m so glad that you have found my website and blog and I hope I can continue to provide information for you that can help you to come to terms with your life and how you live it. It is not easy to live with a personality disorder, I understand and empathizes with you 100%. The first step is recognizing what you are facing and then doing everything you can do be the best person you can be. It truly sounds as if you are doing that.

   Reading as much as you can about what is going on with you and learning coping skills and strategies to deal with the disorder is a start! Please feel free to visit my main site http://www.DOCintheBiz.com and write in if you would like to talk one on one. You’re never alone. Please remember that!

   Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your personal issue with us here. Please keep reading and posting.

   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

8. David Tamayo

   14|May|2008 8

   Wow, love and what it is all about. Almost as famous a question as “why am I here?” What I truly respect and am in awe of are the people that have the guts to not only ask these questions but actively take control of their universes and try to find the answers. Dr. KC thanks for being one of those souls. Cheers to everybody the chimed in. Kudos!

9. Dr. KC

   14|May|2008 9

   Dear Geoffrey,

   I read that you think our beliefs are quite different about the meaning of “love,” however, I think that it is a matter of semantics. The word I chose was “chemistry” and the one you chose was “attraction”. We can also discuss the meanings of those words. This would make for a great dissertation. However, been there, done that! LOL!

   I wanted to be clear, as well, that in talking about love in my original post, the discussion was not only about romantic love, but love as a whole. The many different kinds of love besides romantic love, are all very important and change lives every day!

   Thank you for your comment and all the articles that you have shared! I will be reading them when I get a chance!
   Please keep reading and posting. Your insights are very much appreciated.

   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

10. Dr. KC

    14|May|2008 10

    Dear David,

    Thank you so much for “chiming in” as you say, yourself! Your comments are always welcomed and very much appreciated!

    I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to ask the question, “Why am I here?” I’ll have to think about that one.

    Please keep reading and posting.
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

11. s2c97

    14|May|2008 11

    DocKC,

    This is my first visit to your blog, excellent work, very informative and I will be visiting and commenting often.

    For me Trying to define Love & Relationships is like trying to define human beings creation and existence.

    When you mention “…so many different kinds of love and so many different kind of relationships” I agree a 100%, and that is probably the first “milestone” (sorry for this overused word but i could not find a better one) that needs to be attained. Which is categorizing, if possible, all the different types of love and all the different kind of relationships.

    @Geoffrey,

    Loved your comment! I sure will be visiting your links. Thanks!

    s2c97

12. Benny Greenberg

    14|May|2008 12

    Fantastic…
    Or something in the air - or thoughts that are just in synch…
    Love is so unexplainable… yet so explainable..

    Deep Lady Doc - Very Deep

13. Dr. KC

    14|May|2008 13

    Dear s2c97,

    I’m so glad you found me and will be visiting often! You’re always welcome!

    I feel the same way about defining love and relationships as you. With all the different kinds of relationships and love, all with different definitions (none that are not clear or definitive), it is indeed like trying to define the universe. Almost impossible. Everyone has their own definitions that work for them, and that is great! I suppose that’s what “Makes the World go Round”!

    Thank you again for your comment and please keep reading and posting.
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

14. Dr. KC

    14|May|2008 14

    Dear Benny,

    You make me laugh. Or were you trying to be serious here and I missed it?

    You almost wrote poetry and it is indeed very beautiful! Sometimes love can be defined so simply! That’s what I wrote to s2c97. That everyone has their own definition of love and that each definition is correct.

    Thanks for your comment and please keep reading and posting!
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

15. Benny Greenberg

    14|May|2008 15

    Isn’t love in the eyeof the beholder. Love is one of those “things.” Sometimes like the string on the helium ballon as it slips between our fingers and we watch it float off… and others like the teddy bear that your still sleeping with everynight — always there.

    Ben

16. Ange Recchia (aka angesbiz)

    14|May|2008 16

    LOVE is a splendid thing…

    There are many definitions for this four letter word and it all comes down to the context we use it in. Great article Doc KC. I am loving (lol) your blog!

    I too have written on the subject of LOVE which you can find here

    http://angesbiz.com/love/i-love-you/

    and here

    http://angesbiz.com/thoughts/falling-in-and-out-of-love/

    It is rather interesting about the “chemistry” and the “attraction” thing. I too am studying NLP and agree that the rapport and mirroring can bring people closer together to the point where they think they are in “love!”

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts here… this is something which can be discussed continuously and we would all have our own interpretation.

    PS: Remember to display your Flower Smelling badge when you get around to it

    Cheers, Ange

17. Dr. KC

    15|May|2008 17

    Dear Benny,

    A most simplistic definition of love can be what you said, “just one of those things”. Sometimes when something is so difficult to assign meaning to, the minimalism of what you said above is the easiest way to define it.

    I’m sure most prefer the teddy bear love that you hold onto no matter what obstacles get in your way. You work on them together and know that your love can withstand anything.

    The other alternative is if one of the people involved in the relationship decide to let go of the string of the balloon and let it go. If that is their choice, I suppose the other person hasn’t a say and it just wasn’t meant to be. I wish I had the answers. But instead, since my last response was so deep, I felt I should keep it simple this time around. : )

    Thank you for your comment and please keep reading and posting!
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

18. Dr. KC

    15|May|2008 18

    Dear Ange,

    Yes, love is indeed splendid, but let’s not forget that it’s not always easy either. The key is to work through its difficulties to keep it “splendid”.
    Thank you for posting your articles and giving my readers some great information.

    Thank you so much for your comment and please keep reading and posting!
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

19. Dr. Nicole Sundene

    15|May|2008 19

    Yes Benny! She is a very deep lady…and a very special one at that!

    Love and relationships are very difficult for a lot of people, I think love can often overshadow the cracks in an unhealthy relationship and make it nearly impossible to see that possibly the relationship is not serving us well.

    Healthy relationships in life and love are vitally important in order to encourage stability and safety in our world, but oftentimes I think some relationships do more harm than good.

    Relationships are also our greatest “teachers” and love is what keeps us attracted to the lesson…

20. Dr. KC

    15|May|2008 20

    Dear Dr. Nicole,

    Thank you for the kind words!

    You do mention a very good point here about love overshadowing the “cracks” in a relationship. Some people believe that love is all it takes to make a healthy relationship, but what they fail to understand is that no relationship is perfect and love alone is not enough to sustain it. HOWEVER, if the love is unconditional, it should be the basis or foundation for working out all the obstacles that come along.

    So, a healthy relationship should start with love and grow strong through lots of compromise, understanding and compassion.

    Thank you for your comment! Please keep reading and posting!
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

21. Dr Roger

    15|May|2008 21

    Ah, Love Sweet Love! So necessary! So confusing! So difficult! And when you find it, NEVER LET IT GO.

22. Dr. KC

    16|May|2008 22

    Dear Dr. Roger,

    As I have said before, it’s wonderful to get such insight from another professional in this field of psychology related topics.

    Thank you for the inspiration you shared with my readers and with me as well.
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com

23. Laurie

    09|Jun|2008 23

    Love is the thing we all probably want more than anything else in the world and the thing that is the most difficult to maintain. I think people don’t realize that is ends up being a choice and a commitment. They believe it is all whoopie feelings. It’s not. But the more you work at it the more the feelings have a chance of remaining.

24. Doc KC

    09|Jun|2008 24

    Dear Laurie,

    I couldn’t agree with you more. Love should be sparks and fireworks, but that may fade in time and what you need to be left with is a great foundation of friendship, loyalty, trust and commitment! The realism is that it takes work and doesn’t always come easily.

    Thanks for your comment! Please keep reading and posting!

    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
    http://www.GLCzone.com

25. helium balloon

    09|Sep|2008 25

    Thanks for the article!