by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

www.DOCintheBiz.com

I can understand when people understand the terms “self esteem” or “self worth” (words which I use interchangeably) to be rather vanilla, simple and over-generalized. “Self-esteem” belongs at a level of the subconscious that is intangible and difficult to explain. This is why people often view the idea of “self esteem” to be “less than useful”. I will; however, stand strongly to my conviction, that how one feels about him/herself is the key to the way they think, feel and act. Please allow me to shed some more light on what I mean when I talk of self-esteem and self-worth.

Defining self esteem beyond the surface level can become quite complex, for it takes moving into an entirely new epistemology and possibly considering a new belief system that may not fit for all. Self esteem is a bit more profound than one would initially think. Feelings can be described in words; however, one person’s feelings can never truly be felt by another. Many times, the acts of arrogance or jealousy, for example, are believed to be directly correlated with low levels of self esteem. The act of being confident: higher levels of self esteem.

I suppose the question, “Do I have self esteem?” should be categorized with the questions, “How do I know if I’m in love?” or “When will I know I’m ready to be a parent?” The latter questions are ones my mother always told me, “You’ll just know.” Simple? Yes. True? I have always found it to be so. Feelings of love or readiness for life events are innate feelings, such as is self esteem; inner feelings that cannot be touched. How do you truly define the words love, readiness, or self esteem?

Let’s move on.

We really haven’t any need to “measure” the level of our self esteem. The answer to “how much” will eventually become apparent in the ways in which we act when faced with adversity, criticism, condemnation or disparagement. The ways in which we act are a direct result of how we think and feel internally. The ways in which we think and feel internally, can often be influenced by outside sources.

Many times, one finds him/herself stuck in negative patterns of thinking, feeling, and emoting. We often call this “stinkin thinkin”. Doesn’t one need a strong drive or desire to want to make positive changes or to learn how to think differently? The way we think affects the way we feel which can determine the way we act. This is a cycle worth looking into more closely when we find ourselves stuck in a rut or a pattern of self-destructive or unhealthy behavior. Where does one get this strong drive needed for change? Where does one get this strong desire to be able to own positive perceptions of actions, events, or happenings? The answer to this is self esteem. The way we allow something to affect us, is directly related to the way we feel about ourselves. If we feel that we are unworthy, bad, or undeserving, our actions will reflect this. On the other hand, if we feel as though we are valuable, admirable, and worthy, we will often be able to push past negative events and see the good in them or learn from them.

The process of finding contentment independent of external circumstances or external validation is, in my opinion, directly associated with the way we feel about ourselves. Isn’t the way we feel about ourselves, the fuel that lights our inner contentment? If we have a great sense of self, we are less likely to need validation from others for our thoughts, feelings or actions. We will be able to feel content or even proud of the choices we make.

Often times, when one feels a strong sense of self and is proud or content with their decisions, he/she will most often be more open to outside constructive criticism or simply be able to handle critique, disagreement or even outward defamation. People who are insecure with their choices, can plummet into self-degradation or even depression when put in a circumstance where they are faced with discontentment from others due to their actions or shared beliefs. Think of the child who barely believes in himself. If he raises his hand in class, answers a teacher’s question, and gets laughed at by his fellow classmates, is he likely to raise his hand again? What about a person who has a high sense of self and finds his/her actions or beliefs being criticized? He/She may be more apt to attempt to understand other points of view and learn from them. In addition, if this person who owns a high self worth finds that he/she can improve their knowledge bank, they will be able to find the correct resources to go out and build, learn, and grow.

I have found, throughout my study and practice, that if one has a high sense of self, he/she will more likely have the strength to see when a poor choice has been made and begin to understand what can be done differently the next time to get more desired results. If one does not have a good sense of self, he/she may just wallow in the negative, “I’m not worthy.” “Everything I do is wrong.” “I cannot do anything right.” The more appealing outcome of the poor choice would be to find the power to see beyond the negative to the positive: “What have I learned from this?” “What can I do differently next time?”

Another way to view the idea of making mistakes is to understand the possibility that there aren’t any mistakes in life. When one has a high sense of self, it becomes clear that every act we perform (whether the outcome is positive or negative), as well as what we call mistakes are not really mistakes, but what we should rename as learning experiences. As humans, we are constantly learning from the things we do and the choices we make independently of whether we desire to or not. In other words, we haven’t any choice in the matter. Determined by the choices we make, we set a chain of events into motion. What those events are, may most often be out of our control.

Finally, a person without much respect or value for his/herself will be more likely to remain stagnant or fail to try to expand or progress any further than where they are in their lives. They are usually afraid of failure or rejection in a way that prevents them from even attempting to develop their skills in any realm. However, a person with a high sense of self worth is constantly seeking to improve their intellectual, emotional, and physical being.

Self esteem is the foundation as to how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. The words self and esteem are just words. If you can look past the over-used terms to see the deeper meaning, you will understand that the way a person feels about him/herself directly affects their psyche.

Defining Self-Esteem: Is it Possible? And What Does it do for Us?

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