KC Kelly, Ph.D.

www.DOCintheBiz.com

I told my friend today that I went to the beach for a bit of introspection that I so desperately needed to try to clear my head. Yes, even doctors should have their own versions of “therapy” for cathartic cleansing. Despite all the life that was going on around me, I thought that perhaps it would be therapeutic to sit in front of the ocean. The sea; something so massive, so colossal, so immense and so beyond anything a human could ever construct, that it makes our woes seem so meaningless in the grand scheme of the almighty’s creation. It was amazing, actually, to feel so insignificant sitting there next to this immense piece of nature. It’s OK to feel unimportant by environmental forces working, but NOT by another’s human energy.

This is what my friend wrote back to me:

“KC, I’m glad you went to the beach. I do know how you felt there. It is like being in New York City walking amidst a thousand people all of whom seem like they are going somewhere and some seem like they are happy……but you are still alone. Being alone in big city or on the beach is like the Universe telling us we just don’t fit. But then I realized in NYC that it is all an illusion of kinetic activity. People running, car horns blowing, and beautiful couples appearing happy and in love. The appearance of things most often does not meet the reality. The people running might have no direction, the horns blowing are pretty rude, and the happy couples get to the restaurant and have nothing to say. That doesn’t mean happiness is not out there. But I think it is starts in here ————> ME<———— All of us have to find ourselves. When we finally do…..nothing out there trumps the joy inside. When we know who we are, we triumph.”

Wow, I thought! While I was trying to run away from being an existentialist, forces beyond my control were trying to keep me right where I needed to be.

I thought I did know who I am. I thought I did know who I was. I’ve always been on a personal journey to continuously study my own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings to better myself and make my life more rich and meaningful…so that ultimately, I can give to others.

I recently had a life changing experience where I stepped out of my comfort zone into unchartered waters and found myself willing to do whatever it took to continue on the journey towards this divine destination I wanted so badly. One that I KNEW was so right for me. When I realized that the journey had an ending, it devastated me and I fell back into the existential being that I was trying so desperately to escape. (NOTE: I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was in no way an ending, but only a beginning.) Don’t get me wrong, I believe very strongly in the theory of existentialism. To me, it is very real and very true and G-d keeps reminding me of this. Although I still find it a bit negative, I overlook that as not being the true intention. Anyone who knows me, knows I always fight to constantly stay positive. I cannot give up. I cannot give in. I cannot settle. I get down, I get lost, just like anyone else does; however, fighting out of that is essential towards any kind of growth.

So, this is what I learned: Perhaps I was not meant to steer away from existentialism. Don’t be afraid of this big word. It really can be explained quite simply. Existentialism teaches us to learn to develop the strength that we need to have in order to not fall apart when things don’t go as we planned or the way we wanted them to go. We have to constantly strive to find the life that will be all encompassing of everything we have always wanted or needed to be completely fulfilled. But does anyone truly climb to the top of Maslow’s hierarchy? If to know and love yourself means reaching true self-actualization and fulfillment, and very few reach this top of the pyramid, then what is the answer? I think it means that we need to realize that first love must be self love (as ultimately we must be able to count on only ourselves) and that makes it very important that I do not steer away from being existential. Dr. Viktor Frankl knew what he was talking about, believe me.

The bottom line is self esteem. Let’s all learn that lesson. Not arrogance, but feeling completely happy with yourself so that if anything or anyone tries to break your heart or your dreams, you can handle it and walk away from it intact. You can realize that life goes on and the grand loss wasn’t really as grand as you thought it was after all. Because if it was so great, it would still be yours and real and alive. Learn to trust yourself and then you can trust others. We are all works in progress, whether we want to admit it or not.

All the aforementioned lead me to understand is why it was so great to feel the power and force of G-d’s oceanic creation today, to bring me back to understand that greatness is indeed out there for me…for us! And although I hit a bump in my journey, my destination is still very much wide open and waiting for me when the time is right. I have absolutely ZERO doubt and 100% belief in reaching the finish line. And you should believe you can reach your finish line as well! It can be yours for the taking. It has to take you back though. And that is when you will know it is real and that it was meant for you. Just hold on…don’t give up…and believe.

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