17 Responses

1. Elizabeth

   10|Apr|2009 1

   Doc,
   There is nothing more confusing then a new relationship. Does he/she really like me? Is there game playing going on here? Should I say what is on my mind or keep my mouth shut? Am I pushing to hard towards a future? Is he/ she just looking for a friend? These are just a few of the questions that float around in our heads.

   This article is terrific. You addressed must of the fears we all have, you hit them right on the head!!!

2. Doc KC

   10|Apr|2009 2

   Dear Elizabeth,

   Yes, when talking about a new relationship OR even an older one, these questions can surface. Yes, I did say even in an older relationship. Once the fireworks expire, you may be left with the same questions. And so…my suggestions still stay valid…be honest and upfront if you have any confusions as to the path of your relationship.

   Thank you so much for your comment!
   All my best,
   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
   http://www.GLCzone.com

3. RAY L

   10|Apr|2009 3

   I read post and think it is very wise and on target. Thank you for the advice.

4. Doc KC

   10|Apr|2009 4

   Dear Ray,

   Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

   All my best,
   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
   http://www.GLCzone.com

5. Jenny

   10|Apr|2009 5

   Hello, I am so hurt from a relationship gone bad. I was one of the woman that kept everything inside. I took all in stride and never wanted to make waves. I wish I would have had some sound advice like you gave here, then I would have gained the strength to tell my X significant other some truths that might have saved our relationship. I was unlucky in love, but I am not giving up. I know there is someone good out here for me and I have learned so much after the fact.

6. Doc KC

   10|Apr|2009 6

   Dear Jenny,

   You cannot blame yourself for not being able to communicate your feelings. It’s not always easy for people to do that and it takes time and practice to be able to do it in a healthy and appropriate way. I’m glad that this article has helped you to realize how important communication and honesty are, but also realize that it does not happen overnight.

   You did the very best you could do at the time, and for that, you can be proud of yourself. Try not to look back in regret, but look forward with excitement. Do your best to learn about positive communication in relationships and with time, you’ll be able to express yourself and your emotions in the right way with someone who is willing to listen and accept you for the way you are and how hard you try to share your emotions.

   And bravo to you for not giving up on love!

   Thank you so much for your comment.
   All my best,
   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
   http://www.GLCzone.com

7. Laurie

   13|Apr|2009 7

   I believe one of the biggest problems with love is doing the “Jerry McGuire” thing and believing our significant other is supposed to complete us. We need to be complete on our own.

   I just celebrated my 25th anniversary. It is a huge deal. We have been through many really difficult times that most couples would have bailed out on. But we hung in there and worked on ourselves. ME? I really worked hard on being the best me I could be, living with passion and authenticity. It was when I took better care of myself that things with the hub made huge progress. I stopped looking at the hub to complete me and looked at myself. After that, I could enjoy him for who he is and things were so much better. SO if you think things are falling apart, there is hope but you have to be willing to work on yourself first.

   Missed you Doc. Glad you are back! :o)

8. Doc KC

   15|Apr|2009 8

   Dear Laurie,

   Thank you for your welcome back! Lots of projects that I have been working on have taken me from my blog, but I don’t plan to be away that long again.

   First love needs to be self love. I believe this is exactly what you are saying. Congratulations on your 25th and thank you for sharing and being the amazing loyal reader you are!

   All my best,
   Dr. KC
   http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
   http://www.GLCzone.com

9. Bethann

   15|Apr|2009 9

   I love what you have to say and the gentle way you get your points across. You must be an awesome therapist!

10. Doc KC

    17|Apr|2009 10

    Dear Bethann,

    Thank you so much for your kind comment. It is most appreciated. I hope you will continue to visit DOCintheBiz.

    All my best,
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
    http://www.GLCzone.com

11. Kathy

    03|May|2009 11

    I spent my life in bad relationships and a horrible marriage. After a horrible marriage and more bad relationships, I sought counseling to stop the pattern. I have now been divorced almost 22 years. I finally met a man during this time who was warm, sensitive and caring and took the time to help me bring down the walls that I built up. Last year, he left me in the most horrible year of my life after 6 years. We had a horrific fight. Now I’m left wondering why he couldn’t give me one more chance. He picked up another woman, moved her in and never looked back. He refused to call me, talk to me and it’s been almost a year. I can’t seem to move on. I’m totally devastated to understand any of this. I spent 5 years in counseling to get beyond my past. He always told me, he wasn’t like the rest and he wasn’t going to leave. But he did. He came back from the war different I might add so this wasn’t all my fault. I feel like I will spend the rest of my life alone. Like I said, I will be divorced for 22 years soon. How will I ever trust again if I would meet someone?

12. Doc KC

    06|May|2009 12

    Dear Kathy,

    Trust is definitely not an easy thing to hold onto…especially when things seem to keep repeating themselves. You are not alone! Even one bad breakup is enough to cause wounds deep enough to lead to a loss of trust. Here is the good news; however, FOR YOU: You have gotten beyond losing your trust in relationships and love in the past by talking with a counselor and this means that you can do it once again. You found love and allowed yourself to be fully invested in it after being hurt many times before, and this too means you can do it again.

    We can never control the feelings or actions of others, but we can control our own. In other words, we must build up our self esteem and self worth enough to where we are strong on our own as well as when in a relationship.

    Good things can be coming your way if you believe they will. Can you possibly talk to someone once again to help you build that self esteem to where it was before this past relationship? I would love to see you in a place where a man does not have to help you break down your walls, but you can do it yourself. First love must be self love and that is what you need to find again. Self love allows us to give ourselves and our hearts to another without trepidation of impending doom of the relationship. It also helps us through the difficult times when trust is broken. How? Because we know we can count on ourselves! I’m here, at DOCintheBiz if you would like to talk further.

    All my best,
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
    http://www.GLCzone.com

13. Andrea

    19|Sep|2009 13

    I lost trust in love. I’m 28 years this year. I’ve been in and out from bad relationship, in which one of those are abusive. And recently, I met a man I thought was different, but again, as if proven to me once again that love isn’t for me.

14. Doc KC

    23|Sep|2009 14

    Dear Andrea,

    Age truly hasn’t anything to do with finding the right love for you. At the age of 28, you are truly young, with many years of growing, experiencing and learning to do. Please do not give up on love and certainly do not give up on yourself.

    The best thing to do, is to find out the pattern(s) that you follow when you meet potential partners. Delving into these patterns will help you see red flags more quickly and realize someone may not be for you before you get yourself emotionally involved enough to get hurt.

    Finally, if you have faith and believe, the right person will enter your life at the right time. That time is usually not for us to determine.

    Please keep writing if you would like to share more.

    All my best,
    Dr. KC
    http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
    http://www.GLCzone.com

15. Robert H

    26|Apr|2010 15

    I believe the definition of luck is preparation meeting opportunity. Having a firm belief that you will meet the person “perfect for you” is a good start, but you have to leverage that belief into a plan of action. Too many persons feel that love will drop in their lap and everything will be ok. Nothing is further from the truth–you have to be ready to love, to meet the person of your dreams. If you are not prepared, it will not happen…or if you do run into that person you might just miss your opportunity.

16. Dr. KC

    26|Apr|2010 16

    Dear Robert,

    Thank you for your very beautifully and eloquently stated comment. I always encourage people to dream. However, at the same time, I share the importance of turning those dreams into goals with realistic steps that will lead to the dream successfully coming true.

    In setting goals, this makes the finish line seem clearer and helps people to understand that they must 100% believe in themselves and what they want, while at the same time take the necessary action to get there. One of the most important parts of the “action” stage is readiness, as you stated.

    Please continue reading and commenting as you do, for your words are a true inspiration.

    All my best,
    Dr. KC

17. Karen

    22|May|2011 17

    I’m not sure what to do anymore?! I have a long drawn out story so forgive the length of this comment.
    It started in school, I was with the same guy for 4 years and I had a guy that was my friend since 6th grade or so. I started having feelings for my friend and I tried to talk to my mom about it. I told her I felt confused and I needed advice.
    (Please don’t think too badly of my mother I understand she came up in a different time than I did) She didn’t like the fact that I was interested in my friend because he was hispanic. She didn’t want me to break up with my current boyfriend. She said if I married him (my hispanic friend) she would disown me and any children I had. Being young I worried about this and briefly dated my friend, except we were all the way across country due to him being in the military and I moved in with my sister and brother in law. We never really had much of a real relationship together in the same state (besides the years of us being really close friends). We wrote and both of us truely loved each other. I knew he wanted to marry me and he bought a ring. I wanted to marry him too but of course those words echoed in my ears. Not long after, I met my sister’s husband’s brother. We were actually in their wedding together but at the time I was 16 and he was 26. So this was really the first time we met on the level of an attraction starting. I was 19 and he was 29 and for whatever reason we hit it off quickly. I felt bad that I still loved the other guy but in my mind I felt like it couldn’t work because of family issues. Anyway, I ended up breaking it off with him and soon I was married to my sister’s brother in law. During the marriage we had two children very close together. His temper became a problem and through counseling we found out he had bipolar disorder and other issues. He hit me while I was pregnant with our second child which made his therapist put him into a hospital to work on his meds. During all of my marriage (3yrs.) my friend was still around and as soon as the marriage was completely over he wanted to work things out with me. I told him things are different now, I’ve been married and I have children. He reassurred me that he wanted to be with me and make me happy. We started a new relationship (my mother who by now felt bad about why we hadn’t been together was nice and hoped it worked out) and about three months in he said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. To say the least I was devistated. That happened in 2001, My children were both small toddlers and I was going through very trying times. Through the years he has always come back and I felt maybe it will work this time. I always told him I still had feelings and I wanted more than friends and it would always end with me asking him to leave me alone. He seemed to be content with friends with benefits ( I was not okay with it at all). One of our breaks (as he always called or came back around) he ended up having a son with someone else and that didn’t work out as well. He was complaining to me that the relationship he was in wasn’t working when a week later he called and said she was pregnant. I told him that I wouldn’t talk with him behind this girls back because I would never want to be treated this way. The next time we talked was after his son was almost 10 months old and I met him. I even helped plan his first birthday party with him. Again, things didn’t work and I asked him not to call or contact me. After about 9 more months he called again. This time I decided to just have a friendly relationship and I always tried not to let it get physical. It always did though. Well, during this long stretch of our relationship (both of us never dated anyone else while we were together, he would just never call me his girlfriend) I ended up getting pregnant. He was not acting very great from the beginning. I ended up having to basically have the baby by myself (which I chose because of his wishy washy attitude which made everything 20 million times harder and more confusing). I never knew where I stood with him and I knew the main reason he couldn’t commit to me was because he couldn’t get over me choosing someone over him, no matter what my reasons were. Well, now our child is 2 and I have to see him on a regular basis. It is hard, I try to always be nice and treat him how I would want to be treated. What makes it hard is I hadn’t had sex or a relationship with anyone since I had told him to leave me alone while I was pregnant. After 2 years 4 months and 7 days, he decides to try again. This time I think, maybe he really misses me. NO, he did the same thing he has done for years. So I had one slip up at the beginning of this year. I slept with him, and I told him this time I felt completely broken and I begged him to stop doing these things to me. I know he loves me, but he can’t be with me because he can’t get over the past. He tried to be with me again a few months later, but that time I didn’t give in. I’ve learned my lesson, but I still don’t know how to completely get over him. I need help so I can stay sane during these years I must see him for our child. He knows I still loves him and I think he loves me but we can’t make it work. I have been divorced 10 years this year and I am fine with being alone and taking care of my three children. How do I make myself get over this person? He’s done plenty for me to hate him (like not signing the birth cert. and making me take him to mediation to pay child support). He loves our child, he has a very strange way of showing his feelings and emotions. It’s almost like I have to mourn the boy I loved all those years ago. I’ve told him that I feel like the part of him I knew was dead and maybe that is really who I loved and want to be with. His reply is maybe he is hiding and doesn’t know if he can come out. Again, he makes me always feel like there is something that can be done or said and then we can be together. Please help me get off of this guy’s hook once and for all. I know I have a healthy self esteem and I can do fine on my own. For some reason, it’s like an addiction that I can’t let go of. I have control over it to the point that I am not letting him trick me right now, but it always lurks around the corner. What if he calls me when I am weak. What if he decides to tell me he wants to try again. I want to be able to free myself from this longing and still be able to be a great mom to our child and respect him as her father. I need some help on how to see things as they really are. How do I let go of that last little bit of hope that it will work out so I can move on????