by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

Personality has been described as a person’s emotions, moods, temperament, actions and responses to certain events or circumstances that happen in his or her daily life. I have heard other experts talking about the idea of nature versus nurture in the development of one’s personality from birth and I have agreed with their consensus. The majority of experts have said that one is indeed born with innate personality traits (nature); however, as the person grows and learns, these traits can be altered (nurture). Environmental or extrinsic factors, such as outside influences from others and society can lead a person to behave in certain ways, but his or her inherent instincts will still remain intact.

Think of it this way: A child is not born saying, “I am not worthy” or “I am not good.” Children come into this world with a certain kind of innocence and set individualistic qualities (or personalities). The way children are raised by the people who care for (or not care for) them is what will influence their thoughts, feelings and actions, the way they view the world, and what they believe to be right or wrong. As they grow and learn into adulthood, they will be influenced by more than just their initial caretakers and be able to see some of the ways they may have been skewed in their thinking. This is the time they can revert back to their originally inherent character and act in ways in which they feel most comfortable.

This example may help give some more understanding to the nature versus nurture debate: Scientists have assigned genetic and prenatal influences to the reasoning behind why two babies, both given the same amount of love and attention as infants, might behave so differently. One craves cuddling and human touch while the other is independent and would rather discover on his or her own than be held and touched. The way they are, is innately how they were born.

To make a clear distinction between a “difficult” person and one with a personality disorder, I define personality disorders as extended and extremely inflexible, pervasive, dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviors that impair social and occupational functioning on a daily basis. We all possess characteristics of all the DSM personality disorders; however, this does not mean that we would be classified as having a personality disorder.

In conclusion, being in a long-term abusive relationship, for example, may cause an otherwise loving and affectionate person to feel as though they are not deserving of another’s love. The abusive treatment they endure may be the catalyst for them to behave in ways in which they are not proud, feel angry, withdrawn, skeptical, suspicious or afraid of any future relationships or simply unhappy with the person the think they have become. This does not mean that this is their personality, but it is instead, a part of their current persona, which does not qualify as having a personality disorder. People in these instances need to free themselves from the unhealthy relationship or circumstance, unlearn certain behaviors and learn new ways of relating to others and to themselves.

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